Top 20 Funny Christmas Quotes

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Christmas is coming and you must have been busy with a number of plans for buying the perfect presents and preparing for the holiday season. However, you need to remember that Christmas should be fun.

Following are 20 funny Christmas quotes to put a smile on your face and spread the cheer during this very special time of year. You can use them to put on your Facebook page, or for your Christmas cards to share your Christmas humor with your pals.

“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.” - Bernard Manning

“Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.” - W. C. Fields

“Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” - Phyllis Diller

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." - Joan Rivers

“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm

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“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” - Shirley Temple

“Two thousand years ago, the Holy family had a ramble from Nazareth to Bethlehem - in much the same way as I'm having a ramble from Norwich to Swaffham. Although I'm not comparing myself to Jesus - I don't want to get bogged down in that whole controversy again.” - Alan Partridge

"Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?" - Jim Gaffigan

“Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.” - Unknown

"Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? Every year, you just take more of the calendar for yourself. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief! It's insane! When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!" - Lewis Black

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“My favorite part of the holiday season is blaming my long-term weight gain on the holiday season.” - Unknown

“People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December.” - Ogden Nash

“From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.” - Katharine Whitehorn

“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” - Bob Phillips

“There has been only one Christmas--the rest are anniversaries.” - W.J. Cameron

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“Were it not for the shepherds, there would have been no reception. And were it not for a group of stargazers, there would have been no gifts.” - Max Lucado

"The price of Christmas toys is outrageous -- a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch." - Johnny Carson

“Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” - Frank McKinney Hubbard

“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup: Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” - Wendy Cope

“Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” - Ogden Nash

Related articles:

Christmas decorating ideas for your home 2012

Christmas 2012: Top 10 most wanted tech gifts

Best Christmas light displays for 2012

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Vanessa Ford has 386 articles online and 46 fans

I graduated from Birmingham University. Currently, I am living with my family in the West Midlands of England and working for a media company. My hobby is writing about current affairs, celebrities and fashion.

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Top 20 Funny Christmas Quotes

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This article was published on 2013/12/05
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